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Cohen Departs, ‘Rather Poetically’
Michael Cohen, President Trump’s onetime private lawyer, was sentenced to three years in prison on Wednesday after getting into a responsible plea that appeared to show the warmth up on the president. Late-night hosts all had reactions to the information.
“Today was the big sentencing hearing for Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen. He got 36 months in prison — or as Trump put it, ‘That’s, like, 20 years!’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Three years is lots, however bear in mind — Trump’s closest affiliate received life.” — SETH MEYERS, exhibiting a photograph of Melania Trump
“At least 16 members of Team Trump had contact with the Russians during the campaign or transition. Sixteen! If Donald Trump was a rapper, his name would be Colludicrous.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Stephen Colbert targeted on Cohen’s assertion to the courtroom, during which he denounced Trump and expressed remorse for defending the president’s actions. Colbert didn’t have loads of sympathy to supply Cohen.
“Before Cohen climbed up onto the prison bus he made sure to throw Trump under it, telling the court, ‘Recently the president tweeted a statement calling me ‘weak,’ and it was correct, but for a much different reason than he was implying. It was because time and time again, I felt it was my duty to cover up his dirty deeds.’ And evidently, you suck at it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“He went on rather poetically, ‘The irony is today is the day I am getting my freedom back.’ Actually, the irony is that while you’re in prison for your crimes, the guy who ordered you to do the crimes will be at Mar-a-Lago sharing chocolate cake with Xi Jinping and Kid Rock.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Trump thinks “the people” have his again. James Corden isn’t satisfied.
“During a latest interview, Donald Trump was requested if he’s involved about being impeached, and he had this to say: He mentioned, ‘I’m not involved, no. I feel the folks would revolt if that occurred.’ Honestly, I feel the individuals are fairly revolted proper now.” — JAMES CORDEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (Utah Edition)
“According to a new report, the Utah Department of Agriculture and Food is looking to hire a cannabis program manager to oversee marijuana regulations. A cannabis program manager — or as it’s more commonly known, an R.A.” — SETH MEYERS
“Trump met with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer about the border wall yesterday, and they made him so angry that he threw a folder full of papers across the room. Yeah, it was a mess — there were resignation letters everywhere.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are reunited, and apparently it feels so good.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Miley Cyrus, a good friend of “The Tonight Show,” will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday.
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