Washington • For President Trump, each day is Presidents’ Day.
As Trump prepares to turn Independence Day into a political rally, the query is just not why he has determined to crash the nation’s celebration on the Mall, however why he did not do it sooner.
One by one, he has tried to remake our holidays to his profit.
He issued a federal order declaring his Inauguration Day a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.”
He claimed credit score for saving Christmas, in order that “everybody’s very proud to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again.”
On Thanksgiving, he proclaimed his gratitude for himself and “having made a tremendous difference.”
He tried a grand Veterans Day navy parade — reviewed by him — and when he failed to make that occur, he skipped the standard go to to Arlington National Cemetery as a result of he was “extremely busy … doing other things.”
On Memorial Day, he mentioned “those who died for our great country would be very happy and proud” of his management.
And on the 75th anniversary of D-Day in Normandy final week, he used the white crosses of fallen Americans as his backdrop for an interview condemning “Nervous Nancy” Pelosi and the “fool” Robert Mueller.
And now: “HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the biggest gatherings in the history of Washington, D.C., on July 4th … at the Lincoln Memorial. Major fireworks display, entertainment and an address by your favorite President, me!”
Fireworks on the Fourth? It’s a surprise no person considered it earlier than. One can think about the way it will turn out …
My fellow Americans, welcome to the First Annual Trump International Independence Day and Casino on the Mall, introduced to you by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and by the official lodge of Independence Day, the Trump International, most well-liked vacation spot of discerning sheikhs.
Today, Americans rejoice what makes our nation nice, and that factor is your favourite President, me. We come collectively as one nation, even the haters and losers, the pretend information, Low IQ Joe, Nervous Nancy, Cryin’ Chuck — what a creep! — socialists, murderers, rapists and MS-13 animals. This is the most important crowd ever. I’ve all of the data. I maintain all of the playing cards.
Martin Luther King Jr. spoke from this very spot, however I’m listening to that my speech is already higher than his — possibly the best ever. Abe Lincoln can be honored by my presence right here. Abe was a very good president, however he was by no means as standard as me. Ninety-four p.c approval score within the Republican Party! All-time document! Love data. Also, the White House doctor says I’m now 6-foot-5, which makes me taller than Abe and means my BMI is just not within the overweight class.
Thank you to these seated up entrance who contributed to my marketing campaign on the Emolument Level. Before me tonight, I see the gorgeous melting pot of America: individuals from Sweden, Norway and Denmark. It is sort of as nice as seeing my royal household on the balcony of Buckingham Palace.
The destructive individuals within the District of Columbia objected to me taking up Independence Day, so I’ve declared July four a National Emergency, which permits me to pay for this celebration with cash from the Pentagon. Instead of conventional fireworks, tonight we shall be utilizing tactical nuclear weapons. Why have them in the event you do not use them?
As a part of my National Emergency, I additionally declare that:
This place will now be known as Trump National Mall Golf Club; I’m talking you from the ninth inexperienced.
I shall be throwing out the primary pitch at subsequent week’s All-Star Game in Cleveland; I may even be the beginning pitcher.
I would be the halftime performer at subsequent 12 months’s Super Bowl.
I shall be declared the winner of the Masters golf match.
My image shall be on the brand new $20 invoice, and the American flag.
I shall be changing Adam Levine on “The Voice.”
House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy says I’ve constitutional authority to make all these adjustments.
Two-hundred-forty-three years in the past, our forefathers put their John Hancocks on the Declaration of Independence, which beneath my emergency order shall be displayed at Mar-a-Lago, with my signature added. The founders pledged to America their lives, fortunes and sacred honor, and tonight I inherit their fortunes. From the Trump International Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters and Spa by Ivanka, this land was made for me.
God bless America, and God bless me.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.